by Marjorie Clarke

Right, I've done it! In the thread entitled "Long Term OP" I asked for contributions for a list of the standard Archers phrases - the perennials that come up time and time again, many of which are rarely heard in RL. Contributions came in abundance, and I have now assembled these into a rudimentary script. I've managed to use almost all those that were suggested (apologies to the few that I couldn't quite fit in) and have had to ad-lib a few more just to make the thing flow. There were also some delicious "things they would never say", which could be developed into something really surreal if anyone has a mind to take it on. But for the meantime, here's your all-purpose Archers script:

Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-ti-tum etc.

SCENE 1. HOME FARM

Brian: That was really delicious, darling.
Jennifer: Please, dahling, won't you come to supper at Jack and Peggy's tomorrow?
Brian: I don't know.mutter, mutter.busy..mutter.meetings.I'll have to see.
Jennifer: More coffee darling?"
Brian: Not now, Jenny!
Phil: Is anybody there? The door was open so I just came in"
Brian: In here, Phil!
Phil: Can I have a word? It's about the choir, I've been thinking..oh, hello, Debbie, I didn't see you there.
Jenny: Do have a cup of coffee before you go. Brian's having one, aren't you, darling?
Brian: Not now, Jenny
Jenny: Please, dahling, won't you just come home for dinner?
Brian: I think I'll go for a walk.
Jenny: Oh Brian, How could you?"

SCENE 2: THE SHOP

Lynda: I've just popped into the shop for some of those biscuits Robert likes.
Betty: They're right behind you, just by the Durex
Robert: But, Lind...
Betty: Oh hello Robert, I didn't see you there.
Lynda: Will you put up a poster for the Carol concert?
Betty: Well, I'll have to ask Mr Woolley.
Lynda: Sniff! Do you know where Eddie is? I want a word with him.
Betty: Isn't he over in the yard? And there's your 3p change.

SCENE 3: KEEPER'S COTTAGE YARD

Eddie: Oi've got this great oidea Clarrie"
Clarrie: Never mind that. What's this doing in 'ere Eddie?
Eddie: Er, it's like this, Clarrieluv
Clarrie: Don't give me that, Eddie Grundy! I want it sorted, NOW!
Mike: Oi ! Eddie ! I wants a word with you! Oi don't loike it!"
Eddie: It's the last time, honestly.
Mike: I want it sorted, NOW!
Clarrie: Oh Eddie! Can't you get anything right?
Eddie: I'll sort it out in no time, Clarrieluv. Dad'll give me a hand.
Joe: <forced wheeze> I can't do that with my Faaaaamers' Lung
Lynda: Hello, is anybody there?
Clarrie: Over here by the shed, Mrs Snell!
Lynda: Ah, Betty said I'd find you here.
Eddie: Oh, blimey!
Lynda: Eddie ! I want a word with you. Oh hello, Mike, I didn't see you there. What are you doing here? Now Eddie, about that mess.
Eddie: I'll see to it right away, Mrs Snell, and that's a promise.
Lynda: Eddie, I want it sorted, NOW
Clarrie: Ohhh, Eddieeeeeeeeee
Lynda: Sniff! I'll see myself out"

SCENE 5: COWSHED

Cow: Moooooo
Chaba: In my country the cows say "Mwaaaaa"
Ruth: Hahahahaha! You do make me laugh, Chaba.
David: I think this one's scouring
Ruth: Oooh noooah
David: I think it's all right, but we'll get the vet in to check it over.
Ruth: Oooohkeeah.
Ben: Waaaaah!
Ruth: I'll have to go and see to Ben, and then collect Pip.
Jack: I'll get Higgs to give you a lift
Ruth: Oh hello, Jack, I didn't see you there. What are you doing here?
David: But who'll do the milking?"

SCENE 4: LAKEY HILL

Caroline: I've just been listening to it all on the radio. Awful, isn't it? Those poor people - makes you feel so helpless.
Oliver: Makes you think, doesn't it? What is it the Italians say - E pericoloso sporgersi?
Caroline: Oh *really*, Oliver!
Oliver: It's amazing what you can see from up here. Isn't that Brian Aldridge's car? I wonder where he's off to?

SCENE 5: SIOBHAN'S HOUSE

Brian: Mmmm, Siobhan! (rustle, slurp, moan)
Siobhan: Oh, Brian!
Brian: Oh, Rory! Isn't he just wonderful, darling?
Siobhan: Will we be seeing you tomorrow, Brian?
Brian: Of course I want to, darling. More than anything in the world.
Phone: Brrrrrr!
Brian: Oh damn it's my phone. That'll be Jenny....Yes, I've got held up in Felpersham.blah blah.. Borchester Land.blah blah. meeting. Yes. 'bye. Sorry Siobhan, I've got to go.
Siobhan: Oh, Brian!

SCENE 4: THE BULL

Eddie: Two pints of Shires please, Sid
Sid: Comin' right up Dahling!
Phil: Eddie ! I want a word with you
Eddie: Oh blimey :I think I'll go for a walk (Exit)
Jill: Ah there you all are! I hope you're all coming back for supper, I've made plenty!
Phil: Kenton, can I have a word? Have you seen those papers? I'm sure I put them in the office somewhere.
Kenton: Well I may have used them to play paper darts with Daniel, but It's the last time, honestly!
Shula: Oh, Kenton! And what about your plan - have you discussed it with Usha?
Kenton: I think I'll go for a walk. (Exit)
Phil: What are we going to do about Kenton?
Shula: I don't know, Dad, I just don't know...

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