p.s. "one-liner" is a state of mind. Don't count the lines. :o)
p.p.s the new stuff's at the bottom!
| Feedline | What would hens want with depilatory cream? |
| Response | Quick way to pluck them? |
| Author | Chris McMillan |
| Feedline | I am proud to say that I am the owner of a Harry Potter teashirt. ( lots of goodies from the film can be purchased at Warner bros Bluewater ) |
| Response |
I like the idea of a teashirt. Do you wear a dinner jacket over it? |
| Author | Linda ffox |
| Feedline | I wonder whether a good jalapeno batter would take the edge of the sickly sweetness [of a deep-fried Cadbury's Creme Egg] by giving the whole concoction a bit of a bite. (Stephen. Rare credit cos it makes the response funnier...) |
| Response | Er...do you think you might be pregnant? |
| Author | Marjorie Clarke |
| Feedline | OK, I can't resist the bait: how **do** you skim a cow? |
| Response | With two hands, a long run up and a very large calm stretch of water. Impressive when you get it right. |
| Author | Colin Blackburn |
| Feedline | Pretty impressive prediction I thought, the news coming out of the blue as it did |
| Response |
Not so, Watson. When you have eliminated the irrefrangible,
whatever remains, however discombobulative, must be the strewth.
|
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | Nugger. That's a typo! Still, zenophobia could be a typo I guess. |
| Response | Either that or people in Ambridge are terrified of Buddhists. |
| Author | Siderius Nuncius |
| Feedline | [Vanilla as a baby's name] |
| Response | Perhaps it was a very plain baby? |
| Author | Bernard M Earp |
| Feedline | Well, here in Geneva, would you be surprised to learn that babies' nappies are expected never to filled when they are in a shop/shopping centre/supermarket with their parents? |
| Response | Swiss babies are probably made of clockwork, and their motions accurately timed |
| Author | Coire (sorry, real name to follow when I've got a brain!, Ed.) |
| Feedline | The same thing happened with the famous urinal. Talk about missing the point! |
| Response | Spoonerism as art? |
| Author | Stephen GC Tilley |
| Feedline | I don't have access to a tilde. |
| Response | Here, let me give you Matilda.. |
| Author | Anne Coulon |
| Feedline | <melts> Now I've come over all unneccessary. |
| Response | Does Alun Necessaary work with Big Glyn then ? |
| Author | Brritski (they usually are if they're rude! Ed.) |
| Feedline | Hmmm... has anybody ever seen Robin and Brritski in the same place at the same time? <walks off wondering...> |
| Response |
Does he seem unusually tired these days? Does he do any secret laundry?
Have you read Dr Tilbury and Mr Somes, an early experiment by RLStevenson? |
| Author | Linda ff |
| Feedline | I seem to detect some negative waves.( Which film did that line come from by the way.? Does anybody know ? ) |
| Response | "Titanic"? |
| Author | Tony Walton |
| Feedline | Is that a delurk, or should I get the eggs out of the fridge? |
| Response | Nope, I still think 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me' has a better chance of paying off. |
| Author | Robin Somes |
| Feedline | [giving birth: reality v. The Archers] presumably she took longer than 15 minutes about it! |
| Response | But did she do it again on Sunday morning ? |
| Author | Nick Leverton |
| Feedline | If you have a licence for [shooting] one robin, can anyone else get a licence for the same one? |
| Response | Well, they can be damned difficult to hit first time when they're bob, bob, bobbing along ... |
| Author | Neil Hopkins |
| Feedline | Well worth the visit :) I notice that SODAM has borrowed my cat for the photos! |
| Response | How dare you! That is my poetic mews. |
| Author | Mary Kemp |
| Feedline | Those small strange flat plastic things alleged to dry the seals in Tupperware |
| Response | Ah, dried seals in tupperware. Whatever happened to those good old-fashioned recipes? |
| Author | Robin Parkinson |
| Feedline | Come to think of it, you have a point. The only person whom I know to be bisexual lives in Hove. |
| Response | Is that where the phrase Hove Two comes from? |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | I didn't fall off last year's Christmas tree. |
| Response | Aren't you getting bored, still up there? |
| Author | Weevil |
| Feedline |
> What does one call someone who assists at the birth of a lamb?
A Vet. |
| Response | Nay, lad. If t'vitnery 'ad ter coom aht fer ivry lamb, ah'd be skint bi Easter. |
| Author | Fenny |
| Feedline | For the record I truly believe that Bananananas are the devil's own creation. |
| Response | Don't they say that the Devil has all the best prunes? |
| Author | Stephen Bowden |
| Feedline | Yes, I can. Fallon has a faint twang like Jolene's. |
| Response | I think you'll find that that's knicker elastic :-) |
| Author | Tony Gardner |
| Feedline | Well let me see - I've got to be careful here as I am aware that the umrats take no prisoners and a bad delivery could ...... |
| Response | Well, I speak for myself and not for other umrats, but personally, I always find a long warm up always compensates for a hasty delivery. |
| Author | Niles |
| Feedline | A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. |
| Response | Whenever (rarely) I have a bird in the hand, I ask her to blow it for me and then it's not as hard. |
| Author | Brritski |
| Feedline | Yes, but can you explain to us the difference between science fiction and women's erotica? |
| Response | 1. fiction 2. friction |
| Author | by Kimbo! |
| Feedline | Sincerely, Chris (ducks from low flying sheep) |
| Response | Ducks,from low flying sheep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really, this genetic modification has gone too far. |
| Author | Elizabeth |
| Feedline | I occasionally get a high-pitched whine in my ear, ... |
| Response | Gosh - I wonder if I have tinnitus. I had assumed it was because I have two teenage daughters living at home :-( |
| Author | Tony Gardner |
| Feedline | ...he'll have an affair with one of his students and disappear. |
| Response | Big girl, is she? |
| Author | Min Lacey |
| Feedline(s!) | Rudolph was not harnessed. He was a free-running
guide. I think my IKEA chest of drawers has some of those. |
| Response | Doesn't the spoor make a mess of your socks ? |
| Author | Brritski |
| Feedline | Apparently ownership of the castle doesn't allow one to pillage the local area with impunity nowadays. |
| Response | Not even re-moatly. Toodle Dip, |
| Author | Toodles |
| Feedline | You've lost that loving eeling.... |
| Response | ... I wasn't planning on goin' sole oh! |
| Author | Toodles |
| Feedline | >My ma told me that when the family was living in Manchester just after the >war, they heard about a double-decker bus that got lost in a snowdrift for >more than a week -- the driver and passengers abandoned it when it got >stuck during a blizzard, and then nobody could work out where it was. |
| Response | I bet they were searching for ages and then found three together. |
| Author | Martin up in t' Pennines |
| Feedline | >>> The other one has fallen into that puddle over there - you can fetch >>> it out with this 'ere rake ... >>It was a ruse to fool the excise men. >Yeah, wouldn't want them taxing the second moon. |
| Response | Under the Customs & Excise (Supplementary and Extraterritorial Powers) Act 2001 - Superfluous Lunar Satellite (Wiltshire) Excise Regulations? |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | >How many plurals can you pack into two words? |
| Response | Ooh, millions. |
| Author | Jane Vernon |
| Feedline | >>Obviously badriya is going for the 'Desert Storm' look in her makeover. >>Isn't that right, petal? ;)) > >How did you know? |
| Response | Does my berm look good in this? |
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | > socks at 30 |
| Response | That must be about 180 in human years. |
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | > Funny you should say that: Toodles has just hit the microwave button > which is well within my ear |
| Response | Eh? I don't think I've got one of those. Is it anything like the G-spot? |
| Author | Marjorie Clarke |
| Feedline | > other male umrats because they're all too erudite for that kind of > thing. Unless Britski... |
| Response | Erudite ? Isn't that some kind of glue ? |
| Author | Brritski |
| Feedline | >Did I ever mention the time when, as a travelling DJ, I ran up against >a crowd who liked nothing except Ska Beat, and only had one genuine >Ska Beat record in a collection of hundreds of singles? Bloody awful >evening that was. An absolute nightmare. I was so demoralised by the >experience that I gave up the DJ thing that night, never to do it >again. It disgusted me that a roomful of people could have such >narrow taste. |
| Response | Ska'd for life? |
| Author | Neil Hopkins |
| Feedline | >> In Nottingham it means miserable and moany. > >and in Leicester. |
| Response | There's a special word for Nottingham people who are miserable and moany in Leicester?? Blimey, that's a bit esoteric... |
| Author | Heather "Strumpling Chucklet" Knowles |
| Feedline | >The one in Strood seems to employ people at busy times just to sweep up the >popcorn that gets spilled in the foyer - I wonder how much they get paid... |
| Response | They get to keep the popcorn. |
| Author | Martin up in t' Pennines |
| Feedline | > >I *am* glad they spent all that time and money changing their name to > >Consignia. A truly worthwhile investment in what really matters. > > If they'd only asked us, we could have put our heads together and come > up with a name for them free of charge. > > My suggestion would have been "Posterior". |
| Response | Sorry, failed, because it doesn't contain enough high-scoring letters in Scrabble, or
awkward letter combinations. In order to rectify this deficiency, I suggest "Equuposterior" just so that everyone knows it's a horses *rse. |
| Author | Chankel |
| Feedline | > Do blokes usually kiss their Best Man? |
| Response | They would if they could bend over that far... |
| Author | Helen B |
| Feedline | >The nearest thing to a book to have featured me have been my >passports, and the illustrations really didn't do me justice. |
| Response | Do justice? Mother once took my photo along to the Doctors to be signed for a Passport he took one look at it and said "Mrs Earp if he really looks like this then you had better send him in for a check up" |
| Author | Bernard M. Earp |
| Feedline | [the euro] |
| Response | Never mind, quite soon people won't go to spend a penny, they'll euronate instead. |
| Author | Weevil |
| Feedline | > The Cherrys and the Pringles |
| Response | Now there's a taste sensation I could probably do without imagining. |
| Author | Robin Parkinson |
| Feedline | >> how would they "get it from whales", anyway? > >Maybe it's Whelsh? |
| Response | I wouldn't bet on it. |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | > I see that Bill gates is to come over (at what cost I do not >know) and advise us on how to improve the NHS. |
| Response | It's got to be a pop-up scalpel, innit. "Hi! Looks like you're doing a quintuple angioplasty with arterial resection. Do you need help?" |
| Author | Robin Somes |
| Feedline | > Rhodes' joints appear to start at 2kg. |
| Response | No wonder his hair stands on end. |
| Author | BrritSki |
| Feedline | >Under Nerhu the Anglo-Indians were declared a minority caste because of >Hindu prejudice. They were not a caste of course. I'm AI by the way. |
| Response | Did Spielberg do you justice, do you think? |
| Author | Stephen Bowden |
| Feedline | >well I was chatting with a CoE Vicar once and he said that when he was >at the Seminary (?) and they had to take lots of notes for quickness >sake when JCs name came up they just put a X so you could say it had >that seminary's approval at least |
| Response | ... and this is Jesus, he's my ex .... |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | > a lifelong sprout-denier |
| Response | IRTA some sort of very coarse stocking weave. |
| Author | Andrew Stephenson |
| Feedline | >Hmm. Glad you said that, Anne. I queried why Lynda said 'geese' when >she's only feeding five, and Toodles reckons one goose doesn't go far. |
| Response | Especially when it's stuffed. |
| Author | Lizbuff |
| Feedline | >broccolare to broccol |
| Response | broccolarum: A whiter shade of kale |
| Author | Robin Somes |
| Feedline | >Baby seal. |
| Response | That sounds like a good idea. It would save on nappies. |
| Author | Martin Clark |
| Feedline | >Are women who make sandwiches buttresses? |
| Response | And if they are chicken sandwiches would they be flying buttresses. |
| Author | Kosmo |
| Feedline | > However, most scientists use Pascals. |
| Response | Rowntrees Fruit Pascals? |
| Author | Fenny |
| Feedline | >As it's a spoiler I've only just read it. Not a film title but I've often >wondered how Phil would react to being asked to play Amazing Grace on >the organ. |
| Response | She'd win hands down. |
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | >Robert Carnegie at home, trying to recall who Mercury is in Greek |
| Response | Hermes, the Bringer of Scarves. |
| Author | Jo Lonergan |
| Feedline | >As an Interesting Exercise I added Purple Potter's posts to Jane >Vernon's and got myself back into 25th place, which seems to be an >almost permanent position for me, even when I think I have posted either >more or less frequently. |
| Response | That is because we all watch you and moderate our own posting accordingly. ;) |
| Author | Vicky |
| Feedline | > My Mother was Virgo. |
| Response | Christ, was she really? |
| Author | Linda ffox |
| Feedline | [spam] |
| Response | It appears from my recent spam that I can add 3 to 4 inches to my quilt overnight. Which is nice. |
| Author | Stephen Bowden |
| Feedline | >Yup. We made a claim when sheep invaded the garden & bulldozed our >birdbath[1]. |
| Response | "Hello, Mr Hardwick? XXX Insurance here. I'm phoning about your recent ram raid". |
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | >One large hippo that doubles as a nightdress case >One smaller hippo that doesn't seem to do anything. |
| Response | These foolish things Remind me of you. |
| Author | Tim Hall |
| Feedline | > They are often called "dharnia" (der NEE a) in there but of course > "coriander" is widely understood. |
| Response | Perhaps we should rename this thread "The Chronicles of Dharnia" ? |
| Author | Brritski |
| Feedline | >Does anyone have the score for African Sanctus? |
| Response | They won, 3 - nil. |
| Author | Martin Clark |
| Feedline | >Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia? > >... ah, not very veggie I spose. |
| Response | The veggie alternative being "Bring me the nuts of Alfredo Garcia"? |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | >Hey, what's wrong with DD? [Dorothy
Dunnet] I really like her books, although the last >few began to see a bit samey, I must admit. I like the Dolly ones >best. |
| Response | Silly girl - of course they're a bit samey! The Dolly ones are all clones. |
| Author | David Medcalf |
| Feedline | > >>Does the electric fence use the same battery as a car? |
| Response | Don't be silly. Every time you drove off, you'd uproot the fence from the field. |
| Author | Al Menzies |
| Feedline | > When I kept hens I used to preserve some eggs in isinglass, |
| Response | Please don't spoil things for people who haven't seen LOTR yet. |
| Author | Brritski |
| Feedline | >>Didn't Debbie tell Adam that over half the potato production in this >>country is processed into something else? |
| Response | Explains a lot about MFI furniture. |
| Author | Me, I think. |
| Feedline | >Oh thanks Jo. Have now removed it from fridge, and found corkscrew >thingy. Its a Muscadet - what else do you need to know to tell me if >its sweet or anything else? > |
| Response | It's good for you. A Muscadet keeps the doctor away. |
| Author | Tim Hall |
| Feedline | >Just how do you "put up" a parking lot. |
| Response | That's another storey :) |
| Author | Penny |
| Feedline | >a snappy moniker |
| Response | Bet Bill Clinton was glad he didn't have one of them |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | >>Usually >>because analogue upstairs is at a lower level than the digital >>downstairs. |
| Response | Coo... staircase by Escher, presumably. |
| Author | Kimbo |
| Feedline | > Should be, erm, interesting seeing Jenny and Jill grandparent the same >baby thopugh. |
| Response | Thopugh, thopugh, thobarney mcgrew, thocuthbert, thodibble, thogrubb? |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | >20 questions has just asked me if a wooden leg is the same thing as >the holy ghost |
| Response | Since a wooden leg is more likely to issue from the father alone than from the father and the son, it sounds as if 20 questions is leaning towards Orthodoxy rather than Catholicism. |
| Author | Stephen Bowden |
| Feedline | >Cantonal ? |
| Response | Hmmm. When did he join Bristol Rovers? |
| Author | Robin Somes |
| Feedline | >>The wofe does it with her Dyson. >>Hang on something not quite right there. >What's wrong with a good old Ewbank? |
| Response | He talkth funny. |
| Author | Kimbo |
| Feedline | >>I sent out an email to most of our middle managers today, referring to >>one of them called Jilly, and I mistyped it as Jelly... |
| Response | >... cos Jim don't wobble like that? |
| Author | Kimbo, again. Sorry. This is starting to look more than a little self-indulgent. Oops. |
| Feedline | >Now there's a high-scoring word - blank or no blank! |
| Response | remind me to tell you some time of the very impressive result I got from Laxative |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | >Apparently, February 14th is the date on which the Prince Charles was >conceived! |
| Response | These Letts' diaries are _so_ informative, aren't they! |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | > My parents have recently mislaid their metronome. Odd really since it was > only ever used as an ornament and had rarely > left the top of the piano in the last 40 years. |
| Response | They didn't rely on the rhythm method then? |
| Author | Rosie |
| Feedline | >>> OK so what do I have to do next... BTW is she his only sister or >>> is there one deceased? It is very easy to change.... perhaps the >>> assembled thong could change it all by daybreak, just click the >>> thingy at the top of the page. >> >> How do you asssemble a thong, I've often wondered? >> > Iain Archer tried but failed in his Noon Posting, |
| Response | Thats where he went wrong then. I thought everybody knew its Adjust a Thong At Twilight |
| Author | Bernard Earp |
| Feedline | >Any relation to Allied Carpets? |
| Response | They were the ones who bombed Dresden, weren't they? |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | >My Mum still uses a Perkins which is the bee's knees of Braile typewriters. >Apparently. |
| Response | Surely it's the Daddy of Braille typewriters ... |
| Author | Neil Hopkins |
| Feedline | >Ah I see now. Didn't realise you were so streetwise, Robin. >So what about "garage" music, then? (I realise I could be triggering a long >pun thread here...) |
| Response | You're expecting a reference to the Carpunsters then? |
| Author | Stephen Tilley |
| Feedline | >Don't Hindus come back? |
| Response | No, that was Frank Sinatra. |
| Author | Martin |
| Feedline | <snip corruption list> > >Erme, I'm a little confused. How does a country earn marks out of ten on >this list? |
| Response | Bung the judges a tenner and you move up a place. |
| Author | Tim |
| Feedline | >I'm a bit worried: I can decipher quite a bit of this. I only need >glbl and fk translated. |
| Response | It's "gullible folk", Chris. <stroll stroll whistle whistle> |
| Author | lff |
| Feedline | >And Ian - that guy must have a couple of brontosaurus skeletons in the >closet he's come out of because so far he's way too good to be true. I >expect he'll now come up with some way of solving Roy & Hayley's housing >problem. > |
| Response | That'll be the gingerbread cottage storyline. -- |
| Author | Iain Archer |
| Feedline | >Try a search on Google for Hansard AND Horlicks and all will become >clear with the added bonus that you will see today's special edition >Google logo. > |
| Response | Beware of .gifs bearing Greeks. |
| Author | Martin |
| Feedline | >What? How dare you imply that I have materially mislead the newsgroup and >should resign? "Orders" has a very specific meaning. It means requests >from customers for goods or services. |
| Response | No, silly. They were only following hors d'oeuvres. They just got a bit confused because they were surrounded by dessert. |
| Author | Martin |
| Feedline | <linda.ff@ntlworld.com> writes >For the record, TNMF came out with bucolic, curious, furious, >huge, mucous and pusillanimous. |
| Response | I hope you called a doctor. |
| Author | Jane |
| Feedline | >Yup, Usha was born in 1962. |
| Response | Not 4004 BC? |
| Author | Nick A |
| Feedline | >>> As for Arafat, I'm afraid it does look like he's on the last lap.... >> >>... shame he dropped the baton. > >Three batons AFAIR: head of Fateh, head of PLO, head of Palestinian Authority |
| Response | Head of Alfredo Garcia... oops, sorry. |
| Author | Martin |
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