The following was posted to umra for our enjoyment, but is not an umratic original.  I decided not to let that stop me including it here.[1]  It's my website, so I make the rules, so ner!

It's by Tom Holt (who will, I hope, be pleased to finally get some credit for it!) and should be sung with gusto (IMO) a la Pirates of Penzance.  Enjoy!

[1] As Tom has subsequently posted to umra on another topic, he is now an umrat so it's almost justified.

I am the very model of a newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of; both genuine and ghosted, too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I were introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's on the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in "Old Sparky" and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality,
That's all from me, the model of a newsgroup personality.

Some history...

(A response from Tom to the news that his song (now titled The Pirates of Penzance, and credited to a "Filbert O'Sullivan) had arrived in umra.)

<quote>
> The Pirates of Penzance

>                  By Filbert O Sullivan

Interesting; the wee bugger's started mutating.

I first posted it several years ago on rastv as a counterblast to an
atypically useless and self-eating MMG filk by the late, great Cronan
Thompson; I think  called it 'Cronan's Song' or something equally
cryptic.

For about a year after that, my spies kept reporting sightings of it
- unattributed, natch - on various NG's, so I reposted it, under the
name 'Farewell to Usenet', on rec.music.filk, with a polite request
for further sightings to be notified to me. So far, it's popped up on
about 40 froups, mostly unattributed (snarl...)

Interestingly, this would appear to be the second version, as posted
to rec.music.filk; nearly all the previous sightings have been the
first (rastv) version, which omits the last 2 lines and contains a
passing reference to Thompson's nom de guerre, 'Plain & Simple
Cronan'.

I never called either version 'Pirates of Penzance', and never styled
myself Filbert O Sullivan.

If anybody else comes across it (or 'Windows On My Mind', which has
also dribbled its way into the Usenet public domain) I'd be grateful
if you (a) tell me, so I can gloat ruefully (b) post an attribution
in the relevant froup.

Ta muchly.

</quote>