By Linda (BTMS, I assume!)

Holidays from Hell

To write of Holidays from Hell - And not to mention Mrs Snell,
Is just the craziest thing of all, 
For in the core of Ambridge Hall, lurks a demon, sure to rule.

She does not cease from aggravation - her dulcet tones yield no
cessation.
As she berates, cajoles and chatters,
Strong men weep; 
Whilst their ears she batters.

Summoned by Bells was the Laureate's muse - 
but La Snell, she is called, by a very short fuse,
Inspired, ignited, you are sure to explode
In no time at all, in this woman's abode. 

"Don't walk on the Wilton,
Don't sit in that chair,
Don't smoke in the privvy,
Don't smoke anywhere.
We speak French at breakfast,
Its good for the soul,
Yes, Robert is quiet - "
(She's now on a roll).
"Don't mind the Afghans
Don't feed the goats,
Don't speak to the Grundy's"
(Are you giving up hope?)
"And when in the bathroom,
Keep the lid on the loo,
Its part of my aim,
For hollistic Feng Shoo."
(Oh god, she has noticed, 
the pain and the strain,
She's going to offer - please, not that again)
"I can see you are drained, it must be the journey.
Get up on the table," 
(She says this most firmly)
"Don't worry, I'll sort it,
Your aura's awry, 
But in my healing hands -,
No, there's no need to cry!"
(Forget about leaving, 
You have nowhere to go)
"These are merely the tears,
Of repressed, age-old woe.
Now breathe in this essence,
Of Primrose and Herbals,
(She pokes at your nose and she burbels and burbles)
Then just as your thinking, 
This cannot get worse,
She starts the massage,
And accompanies with verse.
The scanning is dreadful,
The rhyming a farce,
But you fear to protest, 
For the sake of your......
Bare nether regions, that are at her mercy.


We know that she means well,
We know that she cares,
But to challenge her plans,
Is to enter her lair. 
So let this be a lesson, 
To the guests of La Snell,
If you cross that threshold,
If you ring that bell...?
She will meet you and greet you,
But that bell is a knell,
It plays the doom music
Mark this and mark well,
It tolls out a warning,
To all who call by.
And you should not call in,
And do not ask why.

That Snell is a woman
Who is feared and un.thwarted
But should you ignor this,
And danger is courted,
Be sure you are ready, 
Be sure, you're prepared,
For in no time at all, You will be ensnared.
I know,- I have been there,-
I've a story to tell,
Suffice it to say,
Mark this - and mark well,
A day with La Snell,
Is never forgotten,
I still bear the scars
Of her hands on my bottom.
Truly I tell you, 
For I would not lie,
There were times when I thought,
I would far rather die.
There is no description,
More apt or more telling,
Than to say I would rather,
A day with young Hellen.