Clues for the umratlas census
by Robin Somes

>Point of order... it is possible that some of us may not know where we
>are at that time of a Sunday morning,

Hmmm. Well the important thing is to use one's discretion, I barely need to tell an umrat *that*.

Whenever you *do* wake up, take it slowly and play it cool. Open one eye, and look around you, whilst feigning sleep. Are you indoors, or out? Have you slept in the Lloyds Bank cashpoint again? Is anyone around likely to have noticed you? Are you covered in leaves and squirrel droppings? Empty bottles of Kestrel lager, Thunderbird or methylated spirit may provide clues, as may any cardboard boxes that you've used as a shelter. Do they have 'Harrods' or 'One-Stop' printed on them? At least you'll know if you're in Knightsbridge or Fawley. People in uniform are generally bad news, although there is a chance that they're just railway employees.

If you can find a piece of paper and writing implement, jot this evidence down; otherwise commit it to memory. A sketch map of the scene may help.

Later, decide if this is the sort of information you really want recorded for posterity in an Umratlas.

HTH, etc
robin