by Brritski

2007 - A SPY ODYSSEY

Scene 1: An interior. A hairy neanderthal-like creature is crouched down
staring at something.

HNLC: "Guurrrhhh ?"

A dark van, rather like a black monolith, draws up outside the window,
casting further gloom over the room. HNLC clumsily grasps an object and
holds it up for closer inspection, understanding spreading across its
gnarled old face.

HNLC: "Gnnnnrrraaaahhhhh !"

HNLC lifts object above its head and brings it down violently on the
table. 

HNLC: "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Cue music, the Blue Danube. In time with the waltz, a small, furry
creature spins into the air in slow motion, its tiny, crushed head
spilling a delicate spiral of blood in the shape of a nebula. 

Seque to deep-space shot and forward to present day.


Scene 2: An office in a large, top-secret building in a prominent
position on the river.

N: "Golly, do come in Commander."

Bond: "Thankyou Shir, I wash eckshpecting your predeshesshor, where ish
se ?

N: "She's retired following a family bereavement. I'm N, her
replacement."

Bond: "N ? Shurely shome mishtake ?"

N: "Gosh no, we've jolly well been rebranded. After lots of spiffing
research, Lizzie Moneypenny has decided I'll henceforth be known as
Enpargettia, or N for short, what ?"

Bond: "I shee"

N: "I'd heard that. Anyway, down to your mission. It's jolly dangerous,
so we've decided that you won't be able to cope on your own, so we're
having you cloned. Report to Q immediately."

Bond: "Oh sho itsh being done on the NHSh ?

N: "Oh I say, commander, that's awfully funny. Now, off you toddle.


Scene 3: The interior of a high-tech tractor, equipped with the very
latest command system, Highly-complex Agriculture Link.

HAL (camply): "Hi Dave."

Dave: "Yes, what now."

HAL: "I'm afraid we've had to terminate Bert, he was trying to
disconnect my trailer again."

Dave: "Damn, how many times have I told you, that's his job."

HAL: "Dave, my systems are sacrosanct, only Tractor Intelligence
Technician Fewer is allowed to decouple me."

Dave: "Call her up to the command module, I need to have a word".

HAL: "She's just coming through the door Dave."

Dave: "Hi Less, have you heard that Bert's been terminated ?" 

TIT Fewer: "Ooooh Noooaah. Ah divvent nah wat we're ganna do nah."

Dave: "Well, I think I need to talk to Dad."

HAL: "He was terminated too, up at Hollowtree." 

TIT Fewer: "Ooooh Noooaah."


Scene 4: A very high-class room in Grey Gabluyanka. An arch villain,
stroking a very still cat, faces 007.

Woolfeld: "Roight Mister Bond, Oi've got yow now. BWAHAHAHAHA."

007: "That'sh what you think you treachoroush fiend."

Woolfeld: "Oh yes, and I think I'll hand you over to Bones to finish you
off. Come along Sammy, let's leave them to it."

007: "Bonesh ? Whatever happened to Jawsh ?"

Woolfeld. "The dentist's bill was getting too expensive. Never moind,
Bones hasn't got the teeth, but she can give you a very nasty suck. Here
she is now. I'm off, I am the weakest link. Goodboi."

Bones: "Hello Mr. Bond, is that a Beretta in your pocket or are you just
pleased to see me ?"

007: "Hello yourshelf. Sho do you have any shuggestions for shuitable
locationsh for conshealment of shaushages ?

Bones: "Oh I say, you are awful, but I like you."


Cont P94.